By Diane F. Haddad

Content provided by Revolution Health Group


Your relationship's taken a turn for the worse, and you've decided it's time to end it. But of course, you don't want to hurt your soon-to-be-ex's feelings.


The bad news is breaking up always hurts, even for the person who initiates it. But it is possible to end a relationship in a kind, respectful way — and yes, with slightly less-hurt feelings. Follow these steps to preserve your pride and your soon-to-be-ex's.

Don't delay


It's hard to work up the courage to break up with someone, but don't prolong the pain. If you string your boyfriend or girlfriend along for a few weeks or even months, he or she likely will pick up on changes in your behavior — particularly if your demeanor turns cold.


If you've been dating for only a short time, don't avoid the breakup conversation by never calling again. That just hurts the person more.


"If I've gone out with someone once or twice and she stops calling me back, I can take a hint," says 28-year-old Daniel Kiracofe of Cincinnati. "If it's been four or five times, I'd like to be told personally."


After realizing his three-month dating relationship wasn't going the distance, Kiracofe called the woman and asked to talk, then stopped by her house. He prefers the same treatment in return.

Do it in person


"It's more considerate to break up in person instead of by phone or email," says Allison Schwartz, a life coach in Beverly Hills, Calif. "After all, you have had an intimate relationship with the person."


Two possible exceptions: You've gone on only a couple of dates or you're worried things will get ugly.


"If your ex is excessively manipulative or threatening, you may need the firewall," says Howard Bronson, co-author of How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days (Broadway, 2002).


Meet someplace private or semiprivate or go for a walk. Make sure you can get yourself home.

Speak honestly


"Deciding what to say first requires getting really clear with yourself on the 'why' part," says Mitch Newman, a relationship coach in Beverly Hills, Calif.


Whatever your reasons, be honest and nonjudgmental, and avoid blame. Take ownership of your decision to end the relationship by using "I" statements. Newman offers these examples: "I'm realizing my need for trust isn't being met in our relationship" and "I'm not feeling what I know I need to feel in order to be committed to this relationship."


To minimize hurt feelings, Schwartz says, "express gratitude for the time you shared and lessons you learned from being together."

Be firm


It's not easy to deliver breakup news, and your ex might cry or try to change your mind. Being straightforward about why you're ending things will help you stick to your decision.


"It's hard to argue with someone who's being honest and taking personal responsibility for their choice to leave," Newman says. If you're wavering, say you need time to think and continue the conversation another day.

Be careful with 'let's be friends'


People say "let's be friends" to cushion the blow. "Your ex may say 'OK,' thinking he'll be able to handle it or hoping to keep you nearby for another chance," says Newman. "Very rarely does this cause anything but further pain."


Seeing each other might slow healing, too. "Staying in touch after it's over usually prevents one or the other from being open to new love," Bronson says.


Go for a clean break now; you always can reconnect later, when you've both moved on emotionally.

Don't send mixed signals


Even the breaker-upper might mourn the relationship. "We all have moments of weakness and vulnerability," Bronson says. "Sometimes loneliness is a tough but great teacher."


But don't call your ex, no matter how lonely you are — that'll just confuse him. Remember why you broke up and how miserable you were toward the end, and call a friend instead.

Handle run-ins


If you see your ex and you're both comfortable, chat for a few minutes. But don't be surprised if she doesn't want to linger with the person who broke up with her.


Kiracofe says even though his breakup went relatively smoothly, his ex greeted him with a cool wave during a recent coffee-shop encounter.


"That's just part of dating," he says.