The Art of Compromise


By Leslie Knowlton
Content provided by Revolution Health Group


A wife wants her husband to help with the housework; he says that's a woman's job. A son pushes to stay out until all hours; Mom insists on a curfew. A boss says no raises this year; her employee demands one to stay.


Conflict: It's an inevitable part of human nature, one that in extreme forms leads to wars. But whether a minor disagreement or a major disconnect, the steps to resolve it equitably are essentially the same.



Interrupting trajectory


Conflict starts with a simmer and, left unchecked, rolls to a boil. The first step to halt escalation is to turn down the heat.

Calm yourself by taking deep breaths and becoming conscious of your body language.

"Naturally, we start making fists and our shoulders shrug," says Jayme Renee Albin, a cognitive-behavioral therapist at Behavioral Associates in New York City. "That creates even more tension in the body and makes you come across as more defensive."

If you need a "time-out" to cool down, take one. "You don't want to do anything from a reaction point of view," Albin warns.

But don't just walk away. Explain that you're taking a break because you care about the relationship.

And don't just go off and stew. Instead, garden, meditate, run — anything to clear your head. Then you'll be more open to creative solutions.
Letting go

To begin the resolution process, put aside the position to which you are wedded. Then you can do some careful and more-objective thinking.

"To deal with conflict skillfully, you must get perspective on what's really at stake," says Paul Bracke, Ph.D., a psychologist and executive coach in Oakland, Calif. "See all your possible actions in the context of what their effect will be on the longer-term relationship."

Ask yourself: Honestly, how important is this to me and why? Am I holding to something because I always must "win"?

"If the only option is that I win and you lose, there's little place to go," Bracke says. "The irony of hang-tough positions is that you may win the battle but in the long run end up really paying for that small victory."


Are you sticking to your position "on principle"?


"I've done mediations over a $69 pair of shoes to multi-multi-million-dollar contracts," says Matthew McCusker, senior mediator at ACCORD Mediation, Arbitration, and Conflict Resolution in Atlanta. "And one thing I've heard over and over is 'It's not the money; it's the principle.'"

But principles can't be negotiated, he says. That's why before beginning mediation, he tells clients to "leave your principles at the door."

"When you're dealing with principles, you'll never find a common ground because you're expecting the other side to have your principles," says McCusker. "Principles are generally based on the past and reflect who you are as a person, while mediation to find a solution is usually based upon what you need to move on to the future."

Putting wanting to win and principles aside, would it be easy to let go and grant the other person what he or she wants? If so, do it.

"Don't be begrudging, or you will become passive-aggressive," Albin says. "Reframe giving in by saying 'It's not that important to me' and remember your goal."

If you can't capitulate gracefully, it's time to negotiate, and that requires effective communication.


Communicating effectively


Schedule time to talk when you and the other party are both rested and away from interruptions such as children or telephone calls.

Begin by listening to and validating each other's point of view. An effective way to do this is called "active listening."

First, ask the other person to tell you clearly what she or he wants and why it's wanted. Listen with absolutely no interruption.

Then summarize what was said until the other person says you have it right. If you don't have it right, the other person can explain further until you do. Then switch roles.

Mirroring what someone else says does not mean you agree with it, says Albin. It simply means you truly heard it — something that's difficult to do.

"One thing I see over and over is that when people are embroiled in conflict they lose a lot of their ability to listen or even hear," says McCusker. "Anger is the world's best set of ear plugs."

Never attack the other person's perspective. "If you criticize their point of view, all they're going to do is defend it," says Albin. "And while defending, they are just reinforcing their position and will walk away even further convinced that you are wrong."

If the other person is being aggressive toward you, stay calm. Resist becoming defensive. "Don't focus on the delivery or the messenger," says Albin. "Rather, try to hear the message they are really trying to deliver. This will disarm them and facilitate resolution."


Finding solutions


Try to see the issue as a problem outside the two of you rather than as a problem between you. Then you can approach the dilemma as a team rather than as enemies.

Together, brainstorm and write down all possible compromises, including even seemingly crazy ones. Discuss the consequences of each. Choose the one that's the best win-win.

"This is forcing you to be collaborative," says Bracke. "Being reflective, slowing down and writing things down makes it much more difficult for our emotions to run away from us."

Compromises usually take the form of both people giving up some portion of what each one wants. A compromise also could involve trading one thing for another or other creative solutions.

Say a husband and wife are bickering about what car to buy. He wants a sports car, she a sedan. They agree on a coupe with some upgrades like leather seats.

In a spat over where to go on vacation each year, the solution could be taking turns picking spots.

Whatever the compromise, take pride in making it. Identify with being a compromiser rather than a winner, remembering you're no real winner if the other person has to lose.