You met online, and now you are ready to meet in person. Try these tips to make your first date successful.
First date preparation
Tony DeRosso of OnlineDatingMatches.com offers the following tips:
Dress to impress.
If you haven’t dated in a while, buy yourself some new clothes before you go out on your first date. Your confidence level will rise accordingly.
Leave something to talk about.
When talking to someone you meet online, don’t spend hours upon hours talking on the phone or via instant messaging. Save some discovery for the actual first date, lest you run out of new things to talk about.
Flattery might get you somewhere.
Compliments are nice; too many compliments is pandering.
You should be nervous.
First-date jitters are completely normal -- don’t take it as a bad thing. If you have fifth-date jitters, though, something might be amiss.
Don’t string him along.
If you go out on a blind date or meet someone on the Internet and it just isn’t working for you, do the honorable thing and tell him or her as soon as possible.
If you want to be special to him -- and if you want your relationship to be special -- then treat him just like you want to be treated. Read on for a few easy tips to making him feel loved, wanted and appreciated.
How do you make him feel?
You breeze into the living room, where your husband sits, waiting. He says, "You look beautiful." You smile.On the drive to the restaurant where you're meeting friends, you fix your lipstick, adjust a curl, think about the evening ahead. Your husband is quiet.
At the restaurant, your husband starts to tell the story of something that happened at work. When he takes a breath, you jump in to tell the rest of the story. After all, you're a much better storyteller than he is.
On the way home, you say of your friend, "The way she glows whenever he says something -- you'd think he was brilliant. He's just an accountant, for Heaven's sake." Your husband mutters, "I wouldn't mind a little glow." You frown, "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing" he replies.
Don't take him for granted
"Nothing" is unfortunately exactly what he means. You are treating your guy like nothing. You take his "You look beautiful" for granted, as your due. You give him a "Yes, I know I'm beautiful" smile instead of giving him your thanks, maybe even an "I love looking nice for you" or perhaps a compliment to him in return.The drive over is private time for the two of you. Time to share something, be it "Oh, what a lovely night. Look at all the stars!" or "Tell me more about what happened with that fussy client today." You can squeeze lipstick fixing in the middle of a mini-conversation, no problem.
Telling the end of his story for him? What is he, three years old? It's his story! Take a cue from your friend, and listen with admiration, respect, or how about plain old interest? Just because you've heard the story five times already doesn't make it something you can ignore. It's meaningful to him, so let it be meaningful to you.
If you want to be special to him, if you want your relationship to be special, wonderful, fireworks-in-the-sky, then make him special. You both deserve it.
Say No To The
Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment. Does it work for you? Could there be a better way to deal with conflicts in your relationship? Read on...
Deadly silent
Oh, we gals think we are so clever, so smart! So morally superior, as we respond to something our honey does with The Silent Treatment.Not for us the yelling and screaming of dysfunctional relationships! Not that. No calling him names. No trashing his family origins or his manhood. Nuh-uh, never. That would be way beneath us. Instead, we zip our impeccably glossed lips. And wait.
Because we know, through our highly developed female senses, and with eons of female wisdom backing us up, that eventually he'll come around. Eventually he'll beg and plead "What did I do?!" "I don't know what I did, but whatever I did, I'm sorry!" which puts us in the catbird seat. We get to lord it over him as we tell him how awful he was to us, and here's how it can make it up.
Which all works very nicely until he's fed up with it, and either becomes inured to our Silent Treatment and amuses himself otherwise until we get over it, or... leaves.
Why the silent treatment doesn't work
Yes, that's right, ladies -- leaves. Maybe not leaves as in "divorce," but certainly "leaves" as in doesn't share his feelings or thoughts with us anymore, spends more time apart from us than with us, doesn't go out of his way to please us.Why? Because he doesn't feel safe with us anymore. He doesn't know when he might get frozen out without notice. So he stops reaching out. And a warm intimate part of your marriage dies.
The solution?
Easy! Quit pulling the Silent Treatment! Better to say "That hurt!" or "I'm not comfortable when you…" or "I'm confused. What do you mean by…?" Learn good communication skills. And use them. You'll both benefit.
by Jennifer Good
You may be broken-hearted and crooning out latest versions of the feel-good girl anthems, but deep down you know there's a silver lining to this relationship ending. In fact if you dig a little deeper, you'll realize that all of your past relationships hold a secret key to finding your true perfect someone.The road to love, like many things, is a path paved with good intentions. However, if you don't know where you're going or why you're trying to get there, you will probably end up somewhere you don't want to be. (Read: Crying your eyes out over a pint of Ben & Jerry's.) Sometimes a quick check in the rear view mirror can yield insights on what new destinations will be perfect for you. Below is a post-breakup checklist to help you do just that. Use it to aid you in figuring what you really want when it comes to your future relationships.
- Go over the details of why your most recent relationship ended. Being honest with yourself, were there habits or patterns of behavior you could have changed that would have made a difference? If there were, write them down in a list of things you need to work on. Now focus on your past partner. Were there things they could have changed that would have made a difference? Write them down in a list under traits to avoid in a future partner or traits to have in a future partner.
- List any other contributing factors that may have held your relationship hostage. These could range from money or family issues to school or work factors. These are important to note, because at certain points in your life you may not be equipped mentally to deal with these AND a relationship. It doesn't mean your relationship wasn't strong enough, just the emotionally maturity between the two of you wasn't high enough at that stage in your relationship to cope with the added pressures.
- Make it a point to remember all the good times in your relationship -- even if it ended badly. This exercise is important because it helps you put your focus back to the positives of what you want in a new relationship. It also allows you to potentially bridge the gap from lovers to friends.
- Make a list of all the people you have dated or been in a relationship with.
- Starting with your most recent relationship, write a list of all the traits, habits or things you disliked about each person.
- Now, starting with your most recent relationship, write a list of all the traits, habits or things you liked about each person.
- At this point, some type of pattern should be emerging that gives you a more detailed insight into your dream relationship.
- From your "likes" list, put together an a description or scene of your ideal relationship and partner. You should have two descriptions, one for the relationship and one for your partner. Sometimes the two traits will blend, but there are still enough distinctions between the two to call for separate descriptions.
- Combine your information from the above checklist with the lists you've compiled. Read over everything you've written and discovered. From here, you should feel more self-empowered about finding your future perfect mate. You have all the tools necessary to map out a road plan for love. Anytime you feel that something isn't right or that you aren't where you wanted to be, go back and look at your responses to these questions and see where you may have taken an unknown detour.
by Jennifer Good
You may be broken-hearted and crooning out latest versions of the feel-good girl anthems, but deep down you know there's a silver lining to this relationship ending. In fact if you dig a little deeper, you'll realize that all of your past relationships hold a secret key to finding your true perfect someone.The road to love, like many things, is a path paved with good intentions. However, if you don't know where you're going or why you're trying to get there, you will probably end up somewhere you don't want to be. (Read: Crying your eyes out over a pint of Ben & Jerry's.) Sometimes a quick check in the rear view mirror can yield insights on what new destinations will be perfect for you. Below is a post-breakup checklist to help you do just that. Use it to aid you in figuring what you really want when it comes to your future relationships.
- Go over the details of why your most recent relationship ended. Being honest with yourself, were there habits or patterns of behavior you could have changed that would have made a difference? If there were, write them down in a list of things you need to work on. Now focus on your past partner. Were there things they could have changed that would have made a difference? Write them down in a list under traits to avoid in a future partner or traits to have in a future partner.
- List any other contributing factors that may have held your relationship hostage. These could range from money or family issues to school or work factors. These are important to note, because at certain points in your life you may not be equipped mentally to deal with these AND a relationship. It doesn't mean your relationship wasn't strong enough, just the emotionally maturity between the two of you wasn't high enough at that stage in your relationship to cope with the added pressures.
- Make it a point to remember all the good times in your relationship -- even if it ended badly. This exercise is important because it helps you put your focus back to the positives of what you want in a new relationship. It also allows you to potentially bridge the gap from lovers to friends.
- Make a list of all the people you have dated or been in a relationship with.
- Starting with your most recent relationship, write a list of all the traits, habits or things you disliked about each person.
- Now, starting with your most recent relationship, write a list of all the traits, habits or things you liked about each person.
- At this point, some type of pattern should be emerging that gives you a more detailed insight into your dream relationship.
- From your "likes" list, put together an a description or scene of your ideal relationship and partner. You should have two descriptions, one for the relationship and one for your partner. Sometimes the two traits will blend, but there are still enough distinctions between the two to call for separate descriptions.
- Combine your information from the above checklist with the lists you've compiled. Read over everything you've written and discovered. From here, you should feel more self-empowered about finding your future perfect mate. You have all the tools necessary to map out a road plan for love. Anytime you feel that something isn't right or that you aren't where you wanted to be, go back and look at your responses to these questions and see where you may have taken an unknown detour.
Make of List of Things You Love About Yourself
Make a list of 30 (or 31, one for each day of the month) things you love about yourself and post it on your bathroom mirror for a month. Each day, choose one of those things and repeat it to yourself as a positive affirmation throughout the day. Make yourself sticky notes and post them in your car, at your desk, in your wallet, on the fridge, whatever it takes to make you think positive thoughts about yourself. Even if you feel silly doing it, give it a try for a few days so you can see the effects of positive affirmations for yourself.
Exercise
It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but it’s an unarguable fact that exercise releases endorphins in your body that make you happy! If that isn’t enough for you, imagine the glee you will feel walking around with a bangin’ new bod! There’s nothing quite like that feeling you get when you look in the dressing room mirror and feel like a million bucks. You will sleep better at night, reduce the level of cortisol (the female stress hormone), and increase blood flow to your brain – and you're going to need all the brain power you can get to kick start your recovery.
Learn Something New
Try something you have always wanted to do. You will feel energized and excited, two things that aren’t easy to achieve when you are heartbroken. It could be taking a writing class, going bungie jumping, or attending a cake decorating workshop, whatever floats your boat.
Lean on Your Girlfriends
That’s what they are there for. Even if you lost touch during the relationship you had with your ex, which can sometimes happen with unhealthy relationships. Don’t isolate yourself. Let your friends know that you are hurting. Let them drag you out on the town as much as they want. Let them be there for you. If you want someone to spend the night so you don’t cry yourself to sleep or call your ex, then reach out and ask your friends.
Take Care of Yourself
Eat healthy food in between the junk food binging, drink lots of water even if you'd rather have vodka, and rehydrate your swollen eyes with damp chamomile tea bags before looking in the mirror. Pamper yourself with a day at the spa or get a really good massage. Take bubble baths, stretch before you go to bed, give yourself a deep conditioning treatment, and get into a really good book.
Journal
Breaking up is one of the best times to start journaling. That way, when you have a lapse of judgment during a crying fit and can’t remember why you split, you have your own words to remind you. The other advantage is that putting your thoughts down on paper actually allows you to “teach” yourself the lessons to be learned from this experience. Don’t get hung up on what you could’ve done or what you wish you would’ve done differently. Stick to the positives. What have you gained from this relationship and the break-up that you didn’t have before? How have you grown as a person? What relationship skills do you have now that you will be able to use in future relationships?
Do Something Productive with Your Agony
Repaint your apartment, or take out a wall if you want to. Plant a garden, start a “single again” blog, or pick some other project that is sure to get your creative juices flowing and keep you busy.
Make a Getting Over Him Playlist and Listen to it Every Day
Here’s a list to get you started:
Apologize by One Republic and Timbaland
Cares by Travis Tritt
I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace
Down to My Last Teardrop by Tanya Tucker
I Didn’t Know My Own Strength by Lorrie Morgan
Through With You by Maroon 5
One Way Ticket by LeAnn Rimes
Better Things to Do by Terri Clark
Big Mistake by Natalie Imbruglia
Party Down by Julie Reeves
RESPECT by Aretha Franklin
I Will Love Again by Lara Favian
Shake it Off by Mariah Carey
Let It Rain by Keri Noble
Over You by Daughtry
Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie
I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
Buy Something New
Buy a great outfit that you feel totally sexy in and wear it out. Trade in your car for something really hot if you can afford it. Get a new pet! There’s nothing like a puppy to occupy your time and affection.
Have Physical Contact
One of the things you are sure to miss the most is the physical contact. It’s normal and natural to crave it, so don’t try and cut off the desire, just fill it up another way. Bring your kids or your pets onto the couch to cuddle with you. Call your sibling or your mom over to snuggle with. It may sound silly, but getting a massage can help. Scientists agree that skin to skin contact is very healthy and helps people to feel safe, secure and centered.
Bask in the Sunshine
If at all possible, you should find yourself a great spot to soak up the sun. The vitamin D will help combat any signs of depression. In addition to the health benefits, there is something very nurturing to a woman’s soul about sunbathing. Maybe it’s the gossip magazines and the scent of coconut tanning oil, but whatever it is, it’s good for a broken heart.
Laugh A Lot
It is true that laughter is the best medicine, so surround yourself with witty, entertaining people, watch funny movies, read an Ellen DeGeneres book, or get a comedy CD to listen to while you do things around the house.
Hang Out with Some Guy Friends
Don’t go swearing off men just because one of them broke your heart. Men make good friends, and they are very good at making a woman feel beautiful and sexy, even if you have no interest in each other beyond friendship. They give a good balance to your support network, so keep them around.
Make Yourself an Online Profile
You probably shouldn’t start dating right away, but it’s a fun thing to do anyway. You’ll have to talk about yourself, which is a good way to get in touch with your real self again. You’ll get the attention of other guys, which is a good boost to the ego, and you’ll have something to do when you have trouble sleeping.
What not to do:
Get drunk and call you ex.
Think you can be best friends right after you break up.
Think you can still be “friends” with benefits.
Stalk your ex.
by Melissa Chapman
You love him - but maybe more like a brother than a lover. The relationship is comfortable, but it’s also stale and stifling. You start thinking: If I’m going to lonely, wouldn’t it be better to actually be alone? If any of this sounds familiar, it might be time to take action and end your relationship. Here’s some advice.
We’ve all done it, haven’t we?
We’ve languished in a dead-end relationship because, sometimes, status quo is easier than mustering the courage to end it and start fresh.
Breaking up is, as they say, hard to do, especially once you’ve so much invested time and energy into the relationship. Perhaps you enjoy the security that comes along with it, even while knowing deep in your soul that you are not cut out to make it as a couple and that breaking up would be best thing for you.
So what do you do?
According to Tina B. Tessina, PhD, (aka “Dr. Romance”), psychotherapist and author of The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart, whether you’re married or dating if your relationship feels detrimental to your mental, emotional or physical well-being then it may be time for a change.
“Sometimes all efforts to keep a relationship going [will] fail and the only possible means of achieving happiness is to split up,” says Dr. Tessina. “When is it necessary to take this step? While no one can really answer that question except you and your partner, there are certain indicators that let you know a major change of some kind must be made.”
Dr. Tessina’s 7 warning signs it’s time to end your relationship
1. Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, blames you and/or is angry at you rather than taking responsibility.
2. You have had it, and no longer feel connected. Be sure this isn’t just temporary anger.
3. You are prepared to be on your own.
4. You either have no children, they’re grown, or you’re certain a divorce will be better for them than what’s going on.
5. He or she doesn’t keep appointments to talk.
6. There are some indications there’s someone else.
7. You fight when you talk.
Weigh your options
If you have one or more of these warning signs but are still on the fence about ending your relationship, Dr. Tessina suggests it might be a good idea to list your reasons to stay versus your reasons to go. This will help you decide if you’re getting enough from the relationship to keep it going. If your reasons to stay are all about guilt, not wanting to hurt the other person, or fear of being alone, you may want to talk to a therapist about them.
If you are finally ready to end your relationship, Dr. Tessina notes that the benefits of breaking up, and getting out of a bad relationship as opposed to letting it drag on, are many and include the two very important effects:
* You both have a new opportunity to create a relationship with someone more compatible
* Be merciful: The other person may be hurt, but letting the relationship languish just hurts them more
The bottom line: If you gave it your best shot and you know it’s over (or if it never really got started), don’t waste time in resentment and anger. Learn to let go.
I recently went out with a group of girlfriends for a girls night out. We started off the evening with dinner, then to be followed by drinks. What resulted: Mayhem. Regardless of the disastrous night (of girls arguing over who said what), one good thing came out of it: The realization that men can be compared to toast. We started the night off at a bar. We surveyed the crowd. What if men in social settings can be broken up into four different types of personas. Instead of using adjectives and calling them as we see it, wouldn't it be more fun to refer to them as, well, pieces of bread? Not sure what we mean? Read on for how we match the man to the bread...
Dry Toast
"What's dry toast doing here?" one of the girls asked. She was referring to the man at the corner who was neither the life of the party or even someone to talk to. He stands off to the side -- he's either shy or plain old rude. Girls don't dare try to make a conversation with this man for he is a lazy socializer. You'll have to carry the conversation and soon enough you'll feel as if you were talking to yourself. It's too much effort for someone you barely know, let alone a man who's not worth an ounce of trouble. He's as "dry" as his personality. Get it?
Burnt Toast
Burnt toast, on the other hand, is the man who tries really hard -- too hard, actually. He's as "burnt" as his jokes, one-liners and punch lines. You stick around enough for a conversation with him or two just enough to figure out where you lie on the coolness level (which is high), while "burnt toast" is below you though he may think otherwise. Don't be fooled by his appearance -- he's working off of years of ego that has long since dried up and disintegrated.
Toaster Crumbs
We just feel bad for toaster crumbs. This man has what we call what's reminiscent to a self esteem he once had. It's long gone -- it left along with the last relationship he had. That last ex of his burned him to a crisp. He has nothing left to give. He's a sad handful of crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. No one wants to eat that. It just sits there hopeless and depressed. No need to watch out for this one, his bread identity is so obvious, everyone stays away at all costs.
Buttered Toast
Now buttered toast -- that's bread we can get behind. Everyone loves eating buttered toast whether it's good or bad for them. It looks good, tastes good, and replenishes us for later. It's equivalent of a breath of fresh air after you've met all the other variations of bad toasts out there -- burnt, dry and crumbs. It's not too dry, it's nowhere near burnt and it's a hundred times better than crumbs. It's just right. Some say buttered toast is hard to come by. Sadly they may be right, but it's worth the wait.
Yo-Yo Relationships: Not Always Bad
You've been here before: You've recently broken up with your partner, but you're not sure it's over. You try being friends, but it always leads back to dating. Each time you get back together, you try to make it work and you still have feelings for your partner, but you wonder if a better relationship out there for you. Here are a few things that my research team and I have found about on-again/off-again relationships that may help you decide whether to keep trying or whether it's time to move on -- permanently.
When to stay "on" and when to get "off"
Trying to be friends after breakups
Some partners try to be friends after breaking up. Some may be friends because they hope for a renewal; others may be leery to completely close the door on the relationship in case they can't find better partners. Many of those who try to be friends after breakups find it difficult to define the new relationship, though. A lot of uncertainties go along with this. For example, some partners wonder how much they should see each other, whether they are allowed to date other people, and what activities are off-limits now that they are no longer dating. Although losing the friendship as well as the romantic relationship is difficult, trying to be friends after the breakup may complicate the breakup process.
The more renewals, the less satisfying the relationship
Those who have experienced more breakups and renewals report less satisfaction, more conflict, more uncertainty about the relationship and less support for the relationship from friends and family. The on-off partners who do report more satisfaction say that the on-off nature of the relationship helped improve the relationship; the breakups and renewals gave them a chance to work on themselves or the relationship. These partners also report fewer renewals. Hence, these couples resolved their problems earlier in the relationship and stopped the cycle of breaking up and renewing. So if you've tried to make it work but the relationship seems to take a step backward each time you renew (or at least not improve), chances are the relationship probably won't get better.
Making the relationship more stable
Even if your relationship has gone through several renewals, the lessons from those who have stopped the cycle of breaking up and renewing may still apply. Change something about the relationship. Discuss new rules and norms. Talk about how to resolve issues that led to the breakups or how to improve the relationship. Don't just hope that the relationship will be better the next time around.
Ending the relationship… permanently
If you've decided that you want to move on:
•Explicitly discuss terminating the relationship with your partner. Don't leave the status of the relationship ambiguous or hint at a potential reconciliation.
•Find closure. Renewals are less likely to occur if both partners initiate the breakup -- in other words, if both partners want the relationship to end.
•Date other people. Renewals are less likely if partners date other people after breaking up with their on-off partners.
•Stop contact if possible. Sometimes, you have to remain in contact with your ex-partner -- for example, if you work together or you are in the same group of friends. Minimizing this contact, however, may help with all of the above.
In sum, our research suggests that on-off relationships are not always unhealthy. For many couples, the cycling pattern turns into a downward spiral. But for some, the breakups and renewals offer opportunities to improve the relationship. Still, if this doesn't occur within the first couple of breakups/renewals, getting the relationship on a more positive, and stable, track may prove difficult -- and ultimately, impossible.
