Bob Narindra

I think every single person has heard the jokes about who wears the pants in the family. It's mainly played out in bars between guys joking amongst themselves, or poking fun at a colleague. This does, however, raise an important question about control in relationships. The normal course of events when two people get together is that there is an initial period where the couple "feels out" who is going to take the controlling role in the relationship and there are a number of different scenarios as to how this happens.

One such scenario is that one of the individuals is used to being in control and the other is used to being the effect. In this case they both simply fall into their respective roles. What happens, however, when both people are used to being in control? This is where you often get the famous "clash of personalities!" Both people fight for control of the relationship until one of them wins, an agreement on control is reached or the relationship falls apart. I know a couple that fought tooth and nail for five years before they fell into their respective roles. The only thing that kept them together during that time (except for their love) was the fact that they both did not want to be alone.

So, why is the question of control of such importance? The answer lies in the responsibility and individuality of the people involved. You see, a relationship is made up of two individuals who have decided to share their immediate future with each other. In the case of married couples, they have committed to sharing the rest of their lives with each other. Now, how the relationship turns out, depends on the decisions that are made in a number of different areas: finance, planning, home buying, children etc. as well as the love between the two people.

You see, this question of control has been one that has been posed throughout history. Traditionally it has always been the male that has been the head of the household. He normally is responsible for providing the family with a place to stay, food and clothing etc. It has been the female's job to raise the children and make the home as pleasant and as happy as possible. While this was great in theory, it also led to women being seen as possessions as opposed to real people. This is the primary reason that we have witnessed a revolution of sorts in the fight for equality between the sexes. The fight for control in the relationship has therefore become even more important.

The next question then is, is it a bad thing that one person takes control of the relationship? The answer is no… to a certain extent. It really depends on the mechanics of control. Is the person in control of the relationship there because it is the best for the couple, or are they in control because the other person does not have the self-confidence to take control themselves? When one person allows the other to take control because they lack confidence, what they are also saying is that they are taking no responsibility for what happens in the relationship. If things go great, then they will enjoy the ride and "know" that they made the right decision. When things go wrong, however, it is not their fault. How can it be when they left all the decisions up to the other partner? This obviously does not lead to a very healthy relationship.

The ideal scenario would therefore be that both parties are equally willing to control the relationship AND be willing to allow the other person to take control at the same time! How does that work? Well, let's take sex for example. You love the effect you have on your partner when you are making love, yet you also love the effect they have on you. That is a perfect example of both of you being in control and being controlled at the same time.

Another example is when one person is scientific in their thinking and the other one is an artist. In this scenario, one would naturally be in charge of purchasing, setting up and caring for any electronic devises in the home, such as audio-visual or computer equipment while the other person is in charge of the look, feel and placement of the equipment. That way they both work together and play a part in purchasing and setting up the equipment. One important point: if you don't know something, ask… and, if you are asked, be patient and make sure your partner really understands the elements involved.

It really is all a question of attitude. If your partner makes a mistake, or messes something up, it's not just their fault - it's yours too. Apart from communication, the trick is to fill your heart with love and to make sure your partner knows by your actions! This also happens to be contagious and you will both experience more joy, happiness and fulfillment. It really is true what they say - a relationship is all about sharing!