by Melissa Chapman
You love him - but maybe more like a brother than a lover. The relationship is comfortable, but it’s also stale and stifling. You start thinking: If I’m going to lonely, wouldn’t it be better to actually be alone? If any of this sounds familiar, it might be time to take action and end your relationship. Here’s some advice.
We’ve all done it, haven’t we?
We’ve languished in a dead-end relationship because, sometimes, status quo is easier than mustering the courage to end it and start fresh.
Breaking up is, as they say, hard to do, especially once you’ve so much invested time and energy into the relationship. Perhaps you enjoy the security that comes along with it, even while knowing deep in your soul that you are not cut out to make it as a couple and that breaking up would be best thing for you.
So what do you do?
According to Tina B. Tessina, PhD, (aka “Dr. Romance”), psychotherapist and author of The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart, whether you’re married or dating if your relationship feels detrimental to your mental, emotional or physical well-being then it may be time for a change.
“Sometimes all efforts to keep a relationship going [will] fail and the only possible means of achieving happiness is to split up,” says Dr. Tessina. “When is it necessary to take this step? While no one can really answer that question except you and your partner, there are certain indicators that let you know a major change of some kind must be made.”
Dr. Tessina’s 7 warning signs it’s time to end your relationship
1. Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, blames you and/or is angry at you rather than taking responsibility.
2. You have had it, and no longer feel connected. Be sure this isn’t just temporary anger.
3. You are prepared to be on your own.
4. You either have no children, they’re grown, or you’re certain a divorce will be better for them than what’s going on.
5. He or she doesn’t keep appointments to talk.
6. There are some indications there’s someone else.
7. You fight when you talk.
Weigh your options
If you have one or more of these warning signs but are still on the fence about ending your relationship, Dr. Tessina suggests it might be a good idea to list your reasons to stay versus your reasons to go. This will help you decide if you’re getting enough from the relationship to keep it going. If your reasons to stay are all about guilt, not wanting to hurt the other person, or fear of being alone, you may want to talk to a therapist about them.
If you are finally ready to end your relationship, Dr. Tessina notes that the benefits of breaking up, and getting out of a bad relationship as opposed to letting it drag on, are many and include the two very important effects:
* You both have a new opportunity to create a relationship with someone more compatible
* Be merciful: The other person may be hurt, but letting the relationship languish just hurts them more
The bottom line: If you gave it your best shot and you know it’s over (or if it never really got started), don’t waste time in resentment and anger. Learn to let go.
I recently went out with a group of girlfriends for a girls night out. We started off the evening with dinner, then to be followed by drinks. What resulted: Mayhem. Regardless of the disastrous night (of girls arguing over who said what), one good thing came out of it: The realization that men can be compared to toast. We started the night off at a bar. We surveyed the crowd. What if men in social settings can be broken up into four different types of personas. Instead of using adjectives and calling them as we see it, wouldn't it be more fun to refer to them as, well, pieces of bread? Not sure what we mean? Read on for how we match the man to the bread...
Dry Toast
"What's dry toast doing here?" one of the girls asked. She was referring to the man at the corner who was neither the life of the party or even someone to talk to. He stands off to the side -- he's either shy or plain old rude. Girls don't dare try to make a conversation with this man for he is a lazy socializer. You'll have to carry the conversation and soon enough you'll feel as if you were talking to yourself. It's too much effort for someone you barely know, let alone a man who's not worth an ounce of trouble. He's as "dry" as his personality. Get it?
Burnt Toast
Burnt toast, on the other hand, is the man who tries really hard -- too hard, actually. He's as "burnt" as his jokes, one-liners and punch lines. You stick around enough for a conversation with him or two just enough to figure out where you lie on the coolness level (which is high), while "burnt toast" is below you though he may think otherwise. Don't be fooled by his appearance -- he's working off of years of ego that has long since dried up and disintegrated.
Toaster Crumbs
We just feel bad for toaster crumbs. This man has what we call what's reminiscent to a self esteem he once had. It's long gone -- it left along with the last relationship he had. That last ex of his burned him to a crisp. He has nothing left to give. He's a sad handful of crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. No one wants to eat that. It just sits there hopeless and depressed. No need to watch out for this one, his bread identity is so obvious, everyone stays away at all costs.
Buttered Toast
Now buttered toast -- that's bread we can get behind. Everyone loves eating buttered toast whether it's good or bad for them. It looks good, tastes good, and replenishes us for later. It's equivalent of a breath of fresh air after you've met all the other variations of bad toasts out there -- burnt, dry and crumbs. It's not too dry, it's nowhere near burnt and it's a hundred times better than crumbs. It's just right. Some say buttered toast is hard to come by. Sadly they may be right, but it's worth the wait.
Yo-Yo Relationships: Not Always Bad
You've been here before: You've recently broken up with your partner, but you're not sure it's over. You try being friends, but it always leads back to dating. Each time you get back together, you try to make it work and you still have feelings for your partner, but you wonder if a better relationship out there for you. Here are a few things that my research team and I have found about on-again/off-again relationships that may help you decide whether to keep trying or whether it's time to move on -- permanently.
When to stay "on" and when to get "off"
Trying to be friends after breakups
Some partners try to be friends after breaking up. Some may be friends because they hope for a renewal; others may be leery to completely close the door on the relationship in case they can't find better partners. Many of those who try to be friends after breakups find it difficult to define the new relationship, though. A lot of uncertainties go along with this. For example, some partners wonder how much they should see each other, whether they are allowed to date other people, and what activities are off-limits now that they are no longer dating. Although losing the friendship as well as the romantic relationship is difficult, trying to be friends after the breakup may complicate the breakup process.
The more renewals, the less satisfying the relationship
Those who have experienced more breakups and renewals report less satisfaction, more conflict, more uncertainty about the relationship and less support for the relationship from friends and family. The on-off partners who do report more satisfaction say that the on-off nature of the relationship helped improve the relationship; the breakups and renewals gave them a chance to work on themselves or the relationship. These partners also report fewer renewals. Hence, these couples resolved their problems earlier in the relationship and stopped the cycle of breaking up and renewing. So if you've tried to make it work but the relationship seems to take a step backward each time you renew (or at least not improve), chances are the relationship probably won't get better.
Making the relationship more stable
Even if your relationship has gone through several renewals, the lessons from those who have stopped the cycle of breaking up and renewing may still apply. Change something about the relationship. Discuss new rules and norms. Talk about how to resolve issues that led to the breakups or how to improve the relationship. Don't just hope that the relationship will be better the next time around.
Ending the relationship… permanently
If you've decided that you want to move on:
•Explicitly discuss terminating the relationship with your partner. Don't leave the status of the relationship ambiguous or hint at a potential reconciliation.
•Find closure. Renewals are less likely to occur if both partners initiate the breakup -- in other words, if both partners want the relationship to end.
•Date other people. Renewals are less likely if partners date other people after breaking up with their on-off partners.
•Stop contact if possible. Sometimes, you have to remain in contact with your ex-partner -- for example, if you work together or you are in the same group of friends. Minimizing this contact, however, may help with all of the above.
In sum, our research suggests that on-off relationships are not always unhealthy. For many couples, the cycling pattern turns into a downward spiral. But for some, the breakups and renewals offer opportunities to improve the relationship. Still, if this doesn't occur within the first couple of breakups/renewals, getting the relationship on a more positive, and stable, track may prove difficult -- and ultimately, impossible.
